“He Was Never Mine”

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I received a heartfelt note last week from one of our gestational surrogates that was about to deliver.  She spoke of what this experience meant to her, and how she was considering a second journey with the parents.  But what really stood out to me was the gratitude she expressed…how much it meant to her to be a part of this beautiful process.

But in this gratitude, there was also a phrase that made my eyes well up with tears:

“He was never mine.”

I have been an infertility professional for 15 years.  IVF/embryology, egg donation, surrogacy, the works.  But with that one phrase, the reality of what she had done really set in.

“He was never mine.  He was and is always L & J’s first son. I’ll be going back to my family after the delivery and that’s the way this was all meant to be.”

In a world where surrogacy is portrayed as a “rent-a-womb” industry, where the only news the media ever publishes is bad, and movies made about the subject are either comedies or horror films, it is a shame that THIS isn’t how surrogacy is viewed.  This is a real-life experience – and what an experience it was.   She knew and understood from the very beginning how things would work – that she would work for 9 months to create this child.and then hand him over to his parents and go home without him.  And she was ok with that.  Not in an “OK, all done, let’s move on” kind of way, but in a more touching, bittersweet kind of way.

Below is her letter in it’s entirety.  I hope it touches you as it touched me.

*names have been removed*

“Crazy to think after meeting in November of 2013, that we would be here..a week away from delivery day in March of 2015. This pregnancy has flown by and I’m so excited to give this (not so) little guy back to his parents. He is going to change their lives, I know he’s already changed mine. I’m so grateful that his parents chose me, trusted me and believed in me. I was entrusted to care for this baby for the first nine months of his life…and to me that’s amazing. The first day of the rest of their lives starts a week from today. Nothing will ever be the same, and I know they’ll never want it to be.

I’ve had so many of my friends ask me how I’m going to feel after I leave the hospital with no baby. And all I can do is look at them and smile, because I know that they truly don’t get it. Leaving the hospital without him is the way it’s supposed to be and was always meant to be. He’s going home to his parents…his mommy and daddy. The people who will rock him back to sleep at 2 am, who will feel overwhelming love when he giggles for the first time, to watch him take his first steps and kiss his boo boos when he falls down. They’ll be the ones walking him to class on his first day of kindergarten, teaching him to ride a bike, giving him advice on friends, and then watching him walk across the stage at his high school graduation. That was all meant for his parents.
 He was never mine. He was and is always L&J’s first son. I’ll be going back to my family after the delivery and that’s the way this was all meant to be.
I’ve received an outpouring of support from people I know through this journey..friends of mine who are struggling with infertility, friends who have finished their families and are also thinking about being a surrogate now.
So for me and I feel like for L&J ..this is just the beginning.
Thank you all for bringing us together. “


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